Monday, February 15, 2016

Am I Fat?


I love food.  Cake is the best, heehee.
The worst question to be asked.  I work in retail and I constantly have women in the USA ask if they look fat.  In the fitting room women tend to see themselves bigger than they are and see themselves in unhealthy ways.  Garments, in my professional opinion, that fit perfectly do not fit them in their minds.  I have been in the same boat once in my life.

I grew up being the fat kid.  Since I was in elementary school I knew I was fat.  All the kids told me so and would make fun of me for it.  I was tormented when I was younger for being fat.  When I was in sixth grade I was already in women sizes and looked like I took clothes out of a closet of a grandma or a middle aged math teacher.  I couldn't have the style my classmates had.  There was not many options for plus size kids clothes back then.  Through the mocking of my weight and how it relates to my name Jenny, at that age I began to think that I was not worthy of respect or true friendship.

When I was in middle school I was at my heaviest.  I was a short person weighing close to 200 pounds (about 90.7kg).  In eighth grade I became very determined to not have other people's opinions and words get to me.  I had the mind set of "screw them" if they can't accept me for who I am.  At that time I also developed symptoms of Celiac Disease and became very sick.  My disease went unnoticed for years and I stared losing a lot of weight.  My body was damaged and no matter what I ate my body was starving to death because nothing was being absorbed.

Once we figured out what the problem was my weight went up and down when I was in high school.  In high school I was too focused on school work and studying to really pay attention of weight. I wanted to prove people wrong that a kid in special education can go to college and graduate.  I had some friends in high school that became true friends.  I was so happy for them in my life and I still get to talk to them once in a while.

When I got into college I started skipping meals.  I was around people who were focused on weight all the time and weight was an issue because of the weight change in USA citizens and how kids now-a-days were becoming more enlarged than other generations in the past.  When I was in my second year of college I had stopped eating and drinking water.  This lasted for ten days before I was hospitalized.  I had dropped down to 145 pounds (about 65.7kg) and I was not convinced that I had a problem.  I hid behind the fact that I lived with people who ate gluten and made it a big problem of cross-contamination.

I started eating at least one meal a day and brought my weight up to 150 pounds.  I started dating a guy who turned out to be an abusive butt-head.  He thought I needed to lose more weight and told me that he would love me more if that happened.  Are you kidding me?  That is not love.  If my size contributed to love or acceptance then don't you think the more heavy you are the more love you should get, like the saying of "more to love."

I broke-up with that guy and gained more weight.  "Brake-up weight" follows you everywhere.  I am still trying to lose that weight and it was so many years ago.  I met my husband online and we chatted every day and did video.  He would say things about my weight that at first I thought was very hurtful.  He is Chinese and in his culture the talking of weight is not a big deal and it is something very close people talk about.  He showed concern about my overall health that many believe is linked to weight.  In China, weight is linked with physical health, work ethic, and taking care of one's self.  In the USA, weight is linked with physical health, beauty, self worth, and mental health.

In the USA, weight  is not talked about as openly as in China.  A person in USA who is thought of as thin could be considered fat in China.  As my husband told me: a person could be fat and beautiful or fat and ugly like a person could be skinny and beautiful or skinny and ugly.  They do not link weight with beauty as the American culture does.  When I was in China I never really understood why people called me beautiful and thought I was fat at the same time.

I remember meeting my husband's uncle who was a very strict police officer.  He always wanted each family member to be involved in at least one sport.  Haha, does understanding superficial mindsets count as a sport? I do that everyday at work and when I was traveling I ran into some superficial personalities that made it difficult to understand them.  Yu's uncle would test my health and analyze me every time I would see him.  Each day he would give me a stern look and in a more lecturing voice tell me to do the ab roller machine thing at least 30 minutes a day.  I understand he is trying to look after my health but when it was 24 hours or less from your last annalist, I think it would be best to just give it a rest.  A person cannot lose 30 or 40 pound overnight.  That is when I began to not listen to uncle.

My husband loved overhearing people talk about me.  He would say that so-and-so were talking about my large backside and commented on how easy it would be for me to born sons.  Having a son, throughout any people's group's history is a good thing.  The first time I heard that my butt was large and that I will have many sons was when I first got to video with Yu's mother and grandmother.  I never had received such a complement before so it was rather different to hear.

My time in China was short.  When I was in China I felt as though people were so shocked that I worked hard with helping with the housework that it was strange.  After learning that the perception of fatness is the person's work ethic is lazy, I realized there was a connection.  Work ethic is very important in China.  The Chinese culture thrive on working hard.  At young ages kids are studying very hard in school. The school structure is much more stressful and strict than in the USA.  This mindset is a way of training people for the workplace and for real life.

I noticed that the more I shaked the worldview of people the more I started to feel more acceptance and not an odd resistance from my body type.  I also felt more at ease because I didn't have a  prejudice.  I noticed that most of the time I was around people other than my husband I would eat less than what I would normally.  When my husband found out that I was not comfortable eating the normal amount he was surprised.  He felt sorry that I was "starving" most of the time I was there.  He was being overly dramatic.  I was not really starving but still not fully satisfied.



Now that I'm back in the USA I am away from my husband.  It is hard to not be around him.  When I was around him I found a concordance that I didn't have before I went to China.  It was like my husband helped me realize what I grew up knowing or learning about myself was not true.  My self-worth was not resting solely on weight and how I looked. 

I am not perfect and that is okay because I am perfectly me.  I don't have to try so hard to meet expectations because the most important expectation is to be myself.  Accepting me is nice but not something I really need.

Each person has issues they face and each place in the world has their own views of weight and how they address it.  Weight is part of life and has no means to bring you any discomfort.  Being confidant is important but does not happen overnight.  You can have good days and bad days.  It is a bumpy road but having self-worth and knowing how you have self-worth is important.

I used to be depressed about how I was and thought I was worthless but as I grew up I learned my worth and found my confidence.  If you are struggling like the so many women I see at my work, please know you are not alone.



Women, 
If you are struggling with an eating disorder, body image issues, or criticism, please get help and know that sometimes professional help can make it better.  If you can't find a way to get professional help, talk to someone about how you are feeling and how you see what is happening around you.  Find friends that care about you and find a healthy outlet to let out some negative feelings. Please do not be the women that come in and suffer silently and try to struggle on your own.  You are a strong person and you deserve much more than the struggling life.  Life is so much more than how you look. Some of you might think I am crazy to suggest it but it is true.  Life is too short to worry about this topic.  You should enjoy life and not waste it by looking down on yourself or let others look down on you.  So take charge of your life and get the help you need.  I know it can be hard but it is well worth it.  Good luck women.  Know that you are treasured and loved! 

Look back on the happy moments in life. My graduation day, so happy to show that I can graduate college.

Enjoy life while you live. It was fun to see the sites when I was in China.
Be happy with who you are. I am happy to be Jen and I am okay with being silly and different.

2 comments:

  1. Hi Jen, I want to know what you study in college ? When you and your husband start as pen pal, is that in English or Chinese ?

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    1. Hi Han Zhao, thanks for the questions. In college I studied religion and psychology. I enjoyed learning about different people groups around the world. When my husband and I started as pen pals, we wrote in English. My husband used to send Chinese messages that would then be translated. He learned more English and has been communicating more in English. He will teach me some Chinese and I can tell you, I am a slow learner.

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