Family Time and Long Distance Relationships

Clearing up Confusion and Misunderstandings

Recently there has been confusion within my extended family about Yu.  He tries his hardest to use English well but he is just learning.  So my family misunderstood what he had said. It is common with multilingual relationships.  I do not speak Chinese, just learning too, so this makes it even more difficult to communicate sometimes.

Over the weekend we had a family gathering and I "brought" Yu along!  More like bring a phone and video calling him so people can meet him.  It got me thinking that maybe the confusion was also that they have not seen him, other than one of my younger cousins and my grandmother.  So I had my family, who were there, say hello to him.  The poor network connection made it tricky at times but it seemed like it worked well.

Yu was overwhelmed with so many people, how fast they were talking, and so many names.  He knows faces but not their names.  It is understandable and I think that my family understands too. Yu was happy to finally meet some of the family and can't wait to meet them in person.

Party Time!

Cousin Emily showing her gift from us.  Yu was happy I found some things in Chinese here in the USA.  I even practiced my Chinese characters on her birthday card.  To make it even better my mom and I were able to sing to her in Chinese.  

It was not too long after meeting everyone, Yu had to go to bed.  It was midnight, his time.  He was sleepy but he wanted to stay up to say hello to everyone. It made me proud of his commitment to greet everyone.  I told him he had to sleep because he had to go to work the next day.

After sending Yu to bed, it was time for the celebration to begin.  My younger cousin was celebrating her 15th birthday. I was able to record her party for Yu to watch later  He really wanted to be there to celebrate with others. I think he would have enjoyed playing games with everyone.  My youngest cousin was just learning how to read so he was on my team while we were playing Apples to Apples. ~We won second place!~

Long Distance Relationships

This kind of relationship is hard, not being able to be there in person is difficult.  Yu wanted so much to be with my family that I could tell that he was willing to stay up so late to video with them.  He asked what would be good for him to say and was particular to try his best to make a good impression to them.

I used to think long distance relationships could not work out.  Since dating Yu I have realized distance is nothing in a relationship.  Here is what I mean:

1. Distance does not lessen how much a person loves you.  The distance between two mature people has no correlation between the amount of love each person has for the other.  With that in mind, it leads us to the second point of trust.  Trust is involved in relationships and is needed in a long distance relationships. 

2. Trust is key to the relationship.  More trust in the other person is needed for a long distance relationship.  To any relationship, trust is needed.  No matter the distance, if you lack trust in the person, your relationship will fall apart very easily.  Long distance relationships will take a lot of trust and will test your trust in the other person.  I know that I have learned a lot about myself and my trust levels.  This leads right into the next point.

3. Understanding and commitment to understanding the other person is important in long distance relationships.  My relationship with Yu requires understanding.  We have a language barrier, time difference, and cultural differences that need a lot of understandings so there is no confusion and misinterpretations. This is part of caring for another person.  In a true relationship, it takes work to understand the other person.  It is no different in a long distance relationship.  My relationship with Yu showed me how much understanding I really do have.

4.  Caring for someone takes time and effort.  Most long distance relationships that do not work out is lacking the care and the effort it takes to keep it going.  That means that the time could have been cut short because of distrust, disloyalty, and other reasons, but deep down someone gave up.  This happens in normal relationships too.  Everything is heightened in a long distance relationship though. 

SO can long distance relationships work?

Sure they can.  It just takes more effort and time to care enough to keep the relationship and have understanding for one another and trust in each other.  Love can actually get stronger.  I have felt more love from Yu than I did in any of my other relationships that were not long distance.

Have anyone experienced a successful long distance relationship or a failed one?  How has it changed you?

Building a New House?

Yu's home when he visited for New Years

"Your mom is doing what?!" I expressed my shock as to what Yu had just said.  His mom was demolishing their house to rebuild a new one.  Yu explained that it is because I will be coming soon and his mom is preparing for our marriage.  At first I did not understand this but as time went by I was able to understand more.  It is a cultural view I was not used to.

In China, there is  expectations that some people hold for those whom are dating and those who will potentially get married.  These expectations are having a home, a car, a good paying job, and many other aspects.  Some may think that these expectations are materialistic or unreasonable but there is meaning to these things.  There is a sense of financial security within the relationship.  Within the Chinese culture, men are seen as providers.  Throughout history in many countries men were providers and had to prove that they can provide for a woman.  Now-a-days China is more opened to many different views but there is still a belief that men are providers.

So why is my future mother-in-law busy with rebuilding a house?  Within her view, a house means a home.  Her son is getting married and must be a provider for his wife.  She wants him to keep face to show that he can give me a home to live.  It shows that there is thought about the future. She wants to make enough room for me and our future family.  Even though we do plan to live in the USA, Yu said that it is still part of the cultural expectation in the area that he lives. 

During the Spring Festival, also known as Chinese New Year, Yu was able to go to see this new house.  He said that it was very big.  He was able to show me some of the house.  His mom had him show me around with a video.  She was so happy to be able to show me the house that was built.  She also wanted me to see her new kitchen and see the food she was making for the celebration of New Years. 

团圆 (tuán yuán) is a tofu ball soup that is commonly served at many family celebrations

This is sure a cultural difference that is hard to understand.  I know that my family is still confused by the whole thing.  My family at first was worried about what Yu will expect when he comes here.  Yu understands the cultural difference and the expectation is different.  He wants to show that he is a proper gentlemen who is reliable, respectable, and honorable.

What have you seen that is required for men and/or women within your culture?

Happy Chinese New Year! 恭禧發財!

The Spring Festival or Chinese New Year is coming up on February 19th this year.  Each year there is a different member of the Chinese Zodiac that represents the year. There are twelve animals that are recognized in the Zodiac.  Last year, 2014, was the year of the horse.  This year, 2015, is the year of the sheep.  Next year, 2016, will be the year of the monkey.  The sheep is a symbol of cleverness, kindness, and tenderness.

Many people wonder why it is not on the first of January like many new year celebrations, it is because in China they also use the lunar calendar.  Throughout China's history, the lunar calendar had been used and is still used today.  The Gregorian calendar (the calendar the USA is accustomed to) was only adopted in China around 1949. 

Traditionally colors have been very important in many celebrations no matter the culture, China is no different.  In China, red and gold are very important in many celebrations because they have special meaning behind them.  Red represents prosperity, good luck, happiness, beauty, and even joy.  Gold or yellow is not only represents royalty but it also means wealth, happiness, and good luck.  These two colors are very common in many celebrations like weddings but they are also part of the new year celebration.

The Chinese lantern originates from the  Western Han Dynasty more than 1800 years ago.  During the annual Lantern Festival, people would hang lanterns that were red.  These red lanterns signifies reunion and builds a joyful atmosphere.  These red lanterns are hung up for many festivals and celebrations in China and have become very symbolic.

The cover of the greeting card.

Greeting cards are a nice way to send good wishes to friends and family.  In the USA, you can find many cards for this celebration.  I was able to find one to send to Yu and his family.  I am so happy to be able to send my soon to be in-laws best wishes for the new year as well as my fiance, Yu!

The card I was able to pick up was from Hallmark.  They have a nice selection of greeting cards with many different sayings.  I picked up a red card that has the sheep image on it.  On the top right corner there is Chinese with the translation of, "Auspiciousness and good luck."  The bottom left Chinese has the translation of, "Wishing you success and a bright future."

The inside of the greeting card.

Inside the card has a wonderful design and more Chinese.  The translation of the inside says, "Auspiciousness will come with discarding the Year of the Horse and ringing in the Year of the Sheep. Wishing you and your family good luck and a very happy New Year."

People do not only give people greeting cards to wish people well for the new year, they give special gifts.  These gifts are presented in red envelopes or packets called  hóngbāo ( 红包 ) in Mandarin Chinese.  These envelopes are traditionally filled with money to be given to children from parents, grandparents, and others.  These children can even be unmarried young adults as well. The amount of money giving depends on the use and the luck linked with the amount of money given.  These envelopes are also used in many other celebrations such as weddings, birth of babies,  and other occasions.  Asking when it is appropriate is very important to follow the customs of the people with whom you are staying, living, or visiting with. I would also suggest to check to see if there is an event that these would be appropriate too.

Red envelopes called hóngbāo.

I found these hóngbāo at Hallmark again in the same area as all of the Chinese New Year greeting cards.  There are many designs and sizes.  The design on these indicate favored by fortune, happiness, and good luck.   The Chinese on the front is translated as, "Everything goes well!"   If you have trouble finding such envelopes, you special order them from an online dealer or you can make them.  I love crafting and find the idea of making my own to be rather fun.

Happy Chinese New Year! 

Study, Study...Study!

Homework is the same as studying, right?  

By no means is it the same.  Sure, there are similarities just like glue is similar to peanut butter, they are both strong substances but you do not want to have a glue and jelly sandwich.  Homework and studying are similar because they are both related to learning.  Many confuse the two.  The difference between homework and studying is very clear.  Homework is work assigned to be finished outside of class.  Study is the application of gaining knowledge.  Studying can be done through reading, reflecting, and investigating topics to be applied and tested. 

Why is studying important?

As time goes by, one needs to be active with learning and obtaining knowledge to further the brain's true potential.  Knowledge is something that no one can take from you.  You can always gain more.  Studying is a tool, a skill, and a way to receive knowledge.  Just like a brush is a tool for painting, studying is a tool for learning.  Homework is great but when you confuse it with studying, that is where the purpose of studying is not seen in it's fullest.  If you came across a person hammering a nail into a plank of wood but used the other end of the hammer, most likely you would think that they would be misusing such a tool.  Homework should not be done without studying.  You can study without doing homework.  Just because homework is not assigned does not mean that studying should not be done.  

How do people study when they do not have homework?

Studying has many forms.  I am no longer in school but I am doing a lot of studying about China, Chinese culture, and the Chinese language.  You can study in many different ways that works for your learning style.  Each person has an unique way of learning.  You have to be dedicated to learn when you don't have an assignment.  You can't put zero effort into something and expect to be great.  Remember that studying is a skill, just like playing the piano or swimming.  I am sure not everyone was a master at swimming when they first started to learn how.  Studying is a skill that needs to be learned and perfected to fit the person.  That means that the more a person studies, the better they will be at studying and learning.  

Do I have to study all the time?

This is a question I get asked a lot.  I even asked myself that when I was a child.  Humans are creatures of habit.  We love to do what makes us feel comfortable and what is easy.  We fall into the swing of our habits.  When studying is not a habit of yours, you will find that it is hard for you to study and want to study.  Effort is needed to study, to be dedicated to your own knowledge and personal growth.   Each person has their free will to study or not to study but the true question has yet to be made.  Do you think that it is fair to your own mind to not be dedicated to it?  Eating right and exercise is a great way to take care of your body but your mind is not so easily dedicated to.  Do you lack the self pride and self respect to want to gain your true potential of the mind? 

How can I study then?

There are many ways and techniques for studying.  Many tests and psychological research have been made on this very subject.  Just stated before, it depends on the personal learning style and how the mind functions.   I have used many ways to study before.  I have see many pros and cons of each way.  Below is what I have found helpful for studying.  

Jen's Studying Tips:

1. If you are in school, take notes on what is going on in the class.  What the teacher says and what is going on in the classroom can help with remembering the subject.  For example, if there is a question asked by another student or yourself, write it down and write the answer down too.  This will help with retaining the information better.   Write down what happens in an experiment or write down the example or other information to help illustrate what the teacher is talking about.  After you have notes taken, study them.  Even if you do not have homework, study your notes.  Review them. 
2. Always study with in a relaxing area.  Find a place where you can put your mind on your studies and not other things is key to not being distracted.  If you are not relaxed, then you will not pay attention to what you are studying.  Also find a place that you can use over and over again as your studying spot.  
3. Make sure that your mind is clear of distractions.  You cannot simply apply your mind on studying when you have other things going on around you or in your thoughts.  A computer can only tolerate doing so many things before it starts to slow down or even shut down.  Try meditation and relaxation techniques to help you prepare to study before you even start.
4. Study breaks are great!  It has been proven to help your mind retain your information.  Just remember that it is a break and should not last too long.  
5. Make sure you are reflecting and applying what you are learning.  Apply it to your life.  This gives the topic meaning which you are ten times more likely to remember even years down the road. 
6. Keeping up with your sleep is important.  You need to have proper sleep when you are studying to help your mind's health. 
7. I love using flash cards, songs, movies, and many more techniques for studying depending on the subject or topic. 
8. Technology is a great tool for studying too.  I love making recordings, digital flashcards, or using apps designed for studying as well. Make sure you are using it properly and effectively with another method of studying.  Also be careful to not wonder on other things in technology land, you are to be studying not play. 

Baby it's Cold Outside!

Yu is all bundled up.

It has been rather cold lately.  Living in Minnesota means that there is weather that can be very cold at times but also very warm.  In the winter here we get a lot of snow and we have drop in temperatures.  Lately it has been so cold that schools have closed for kids to protect them from the cold.  The homeless shelters here have been very crowded. While having such weather, I am always happy to be inside keeping warm. 

Yu is experiencing cold weather but it's far warmer than it has been right now.  He is away on business.  I am sure he is glad he is not in Minnesota.  He did tell him that he doesn't have hot water where he will be at.  I miss him a lot but I know that he has to go where his work tells him.  Being in such a remote location must be very hard for him.

Self-confidence, Believing in yourself, and Life's Happiness

Everyone have to build their self-confidence sometime in their lives.  I know that I have been trying to gain more self-confidence.  Since I was in grade school I have been bullied.  That was when I noticed that I needed to gain more confidence in myself and my abilities.  To those who are dealing with negative people, remember what Eleanor Roosevelt said:

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."

Giving people the rights to make you feel poorly about yourself is the first stepping stone to do much more.  It will be a challenge at first, trust me, I know.  There are many ways to encourage yourself.  Some may say to try to get into a hobby or a source of self discovery.  Knowing one's self is important to discover yourself.  According to a Scottish philosopher, Thomas Carlyle, self-confidence is gained through accomplishing multiple things.

"Nothing builds self-esteem and self-confidence like accomplishment."

 When I complete something I feel great about myself.  Just because you have people who do not believe you can accomplish something, do not believe them.  Have faith in yourself.  You can do anything you put your mind to. Think of all the times people have told the greatest minds and inventors that they were crazy.  If they let those people stop them from doing those things we wouldn't have what we have today. 

Be positive and look for happiness in your life.  No matter the advice I can give someone who is looking for confidence, you must keep positive and look for happiness in your life.  When you find happiness in your life and be positive, the other things do not matter.  The negative people in life will not matter once you find happy and positive thoughts in your day.  There are many things in the world that makes me happy.  Once you find what makes you happy, continue to think about it.

When is the Wedding?

 
When a person tells people they are engaged, the most common question is if a date was picked for the wedding.  I cannot tell you how many times I have been asked about the date for the wedding.  Making a choice is difficult for couples to decide because of many factors but what makes it more difficult for international couples is government policies and laws.

Yu and I are going to have a wedding in China and in the USA.  We are trying to honor each others' cultures and to involve family and friends in both countries.  With that in mind, we have to plan in a way that we can meet family, cultural, and governmental expectations. 

Where are we going to get married first?

We decided to get married in China first.  We are working hard to save up to have a wedding and for my travel to China.  Yu's family is looking forward to my visit.  I am very excited to meet all of Yu's extended family and all of his friends.  I have only met his family though video conversations but I am so happy to meet them in person.

Making plans for going to China is difficult because I have not traveled much.  I have not been on an airplane before either.  This will be a very interesting and rewarding experience.  At first I was scared to travel to China but after awhile I became braver and used to the idea.

What documentation do you need for getting married in China?

There are many documentation you need to travel to China and to get married.  Each jurisdiction will have different rules and may require different forms or additional information.  The documents that are generally needed can be found here.  You will need:

• Proof of Single Status
• Passport
• Photos of the couple together
• Fees

Some jurisdictions may require birth certificates.  It is always best to gain information of what is needed by asking the center that you go to.  After Yu and I are married there are more paperwork we will have to do for the USA documentation for him to travel to the USA. 

This seems like a lot of work just to marry someone.  Why don't you marry a person in the USA?

There is a lot of effort to marry Yu, but love is full of making many efforts.  When you love someone, you will make every effort to be with them.  Regardless of location documentation, for any marriage, is needed to have a registered marriage.  I love Yu very much.  I do not plan to marry anyone else. 

When are you going to China?

I will be going to China when I go on vacation which is determined by my employer.  I will also have to make sure that it works with Yu's schedule and his family.  It will take time to also save the funding for the journey.