New to Minnesota: Yu's First Year in MN

I came up with a list of things that were new for Yu in Minnesota and a lit of some cultural differences Yu faces in his new home.

Winters -- Burrrrr!!!!
Yu has settled more into life in Minnesota, USA.  He found it very hard to deal with differences and changes.  Weather was and is a big deal to get used to.  Weather in Minnesota (MN) is different than in Shanghai.  For one factor, MN have more extreme cold winters than Shanghai has.  We have more dry air which makes it us have some drying skin or very chapped lips from the cold winds.  Yu found himself using more chap-sticks for his lips and try to protect his skin more.

MN Nice -- Well-mannered
Yu found that his time in MN has showed him a new kindness that is unique to him.  In MN we have a thing called Minnesota Nice.  Many people whom live in MN find it a way to be kind to everyone, which is a stereotype of MN.  We find it to be a little joke or something that is laughable a little.  Yu actually says that it is a real thing because he runs into many situations where people were nice to total strangers.  Many times he was lost or forgot where to go and many times there were strangers offering to help him.  This simple act of kindness that we find normal in MN is something that doesn't really happen where he is from.  He was even touched by how an old woman came up to him offering to take him home when he was a little lost.

Smoking --
Yu found that adapting to MN views about smoking to be a little different than in Shanghai.  Many Chinese find smoking to be a relaxing past time, a way to celebrate, a social thing, and a way to be kind to others (as in offering a cigarette to others).  In MN smoking is more viewed negatively.  In many places in China, smoking is okay.  If you walk around town you can see people smoke in restaurant, outside the door of buildings, sometimes in shopping centers people might smoke.  The only time you see people not smoking would be on public transpiration or where there may be signs posted.  It is much different in MN.  In MN it is against the law to smoke in restaurant or other areas.  In MN you have to stand a great distance from entrances of buildings to smoke outside.  Yu said if you want to smoke you need to hide away from the door because MN people don't like smoke.  Smokers in MN may get bad comments or looks when they smoke in front of others at times.  He finds that Chinese welcomes smokers more than MN.  Many people in MN view smoking as a link to lung cancer so many people take issue with it.

Cash vs. Credit Cards -- 
Since coming into the USA, Yu has learned not many people in the USA carry cash like people in China do.  China seems to be the place where they use cash only.  Card payments or phone payments (banks linked to the phone -- different than Apple Pay or other apps) are less common than cash payments.  One main reason in USA we don't use cash as much is because of safety.  When a criminal sees someone with a lot of cash, they are 10 times as likely take that cash from that person.  It is usually normally safe but you never know whom will want to take what is not theirs.  Muggings are basically the main reason why Americans don't want to carry large amounts of cash with them. If their cards were taken it is more easy to stop the thief from using their money due to protection on their cards.  It is really hard to get cash back from a thief.  After a year of being here, Yu still finds it is a strange custom but understands safety with it.

Elderly and Funerals -- 
As sad as it is, while Yu was here, my Grandma Jean passed away a few months ago.  Months leading up to her passing was full of doctor appointments and hospital stays.  Yu took time to fully understand why Grandma Jean wanted to be in her own house away from family.  This is something that is not common in USA.  Most households in China have a multi-generational understand and setup of homes.  The Chinese want the elderly to live with their families.  He took time to understand that Grandma Jean wanted to be considered independent and prove she still can do things on her own like she used to do.  She still saw her family as her little kids she had to take care of.  She didn't want to burden anyone, it was a kind of pride for her.  Yu also had to deal with the concept of nursing homes.  He finally understood them to be as a place for those whom need medical attention for their daily lives, not as mush needed like in the hospital.  He was then around for the funeral.

In China there are many customs and views on funerals.  For Yu, he couldn't carry the casket or speak at the funeral.  He found it odd that I was a pole-bearer and I was working hard on helping with the funeral stuff.  The fact that I carried the casket created a confusion due to culture.  It was considered very bad luck for me to carry a dead body being I was young, married, and have not born children yet.  He then found peace with it because once he saw Grandma Jean in her open casket, he felt like she was at peace.  In China when he was at other funerals he felt scared and uneasy.

Yu wanted to do something special for Grandma Jean so he brought some coins for her.  He gave her two gold coins one for each hand.  He had others put in her hands as it was something that he couldn't do due to custom.  He then took more coins he had collected and we all put coins in her grave.  In China, those whom have died are honored in different ways.  He tried to explain some of many ways they honor those who have passed away.  In China they burn objects like money or small items like cars (usually things that represent the real thing).  They believe that the burning of these things will send up to the heavens where their loved ones will then have these objects so they can have better life.  Yu said that the gold in Grandma Jean's hands will be with her for her to get a better life when she is reborn into the world.   (Yu's family is Buddhist.  There are many religions in China and not everyone believes this but there are many that do).  Yu believes that because he gave her something that Grandma will bless him.

Yu found that funerals for Americans are different for each person.  He went to one funeral before Grandma Jean's.  The first funeral was just a big BBQ gathering at a park.  It was a big party and had nothing to do with religion.  Grandma Jean's funeral was a traditional Lutheran Christian service gathering.  There was traditional songs and prayers.  Yu found that it was different to see how people pray to God differently than when he would pray.  The funeral had food too where people could share a meal and talk to people.  Yu found that it was a nice thing to do at a funeral.  He got to meet all kinds of elders on Grandma Jean's side.  He did his best to show respect to them and many of the elders though he was a very well-mannered young man.  My father loved introducing him as his son.

My Chinese Wedding

Professional wedding photos were taken before the wedding

We got to have different styles.  Sign is saying we will be a couple for 100 years!

My favorite photo.  This was very fun to take this one.

We took very traditional photos and fun photos too.

Yu and I had great fun trying to follow the photographer's orders.

This photo turned out very well. We look great in traditional Chinese wedding clothes.

The day of our Chinese wedding Celebration.  Yu decided he didn't want to wear traditional Chinese clothes.

We started the day very early.  Everyone loved to take photos with us.  I was able to meet more family and friends.  It was nice talking with everyone even though I didn't understand what people were saying.

We went from table to table to say "cheers" to everyone and to thank each person for coming.  Each guest gave us some advice for a long happy marriage and a long life together.

My new Chinese family!  I am so happy and blessed to be considered family.  I miss everyone so much.  I can't wait to come back and see everyone.

 My wedding in China had two parts to it.  There was part A where I went with Yu to the office to register for marriage on the 8th of October.  This took place at the capital, Nanjing.  After we registered for marriage it was time to continue to plan the wedding celebration that was held on the 18th of October.  In China, numbers have importance.  The number 8 is a very lucky number.  Any number that ends in 8 is also lucky. 

While I was helping with planning things (well, mainly just sitting there while my mother-in-law did most of the work), many people said to me that weddings in China are complicated.  From reading and researching about Chinese weddings I completely agree.  I went through a Chinese wedding and I still do not fully understand all that went on.  

The celebration on the 18th, from an American's perspective, would be considered multiple receptions due to the two banquets that are held.  On the 8th it was similar to the American ceremony with the vows given and acknowledge of marriage rights and all that jazz.  

On the 18th we got dressed up and everyone showed up to celebrate and congratulate us on getting married.  Yu said it was China's way of recognizing our marriage.  He said the 8th was legal way of recognizing we are married.  At the celebration we were greeted by fireworks and many family members coming to say hello.  Many small kids were around to say hello and to keep me company when the adults were talking to Yu.  I loved being able to be around the little kids.  They sure liked playing with the beads on my headdress I had on. 

Once we had everyone around and it was time to eat lunch we all got to our seats.  The meals were served on both floors of the house.  The living areas of the house were full of tables for the guests to sit at.  Each table had about 30 different types of dishes.  Each item had their own meanings and importance.  It was really cool to try things I never had before.  At one point in the meal Yu and I had to go to each guest and thank them for coming.  Yu's cousin, whom married earlier in the month, said if you don't eat quickly by the time you return to the table, you won't get much food.  It was nice of her to give me some tips. 

After the meal we had to go to our bedroom again to have tea to give us good luck and have a long marriage.  Then after the tea Yu's aunts helped put special bedding on the bed.  The bedding was in a big bundle and inside the bundle was some wedding treats that look like a cookie and some dried dates.  They were put in the bundle to grants us children early in the marriage.   Later that day we had a dinner that we had the same feast.

The following day we had another gathering to attend.  There was a total of 6 or 7 meals we had to celebrate our marriage.  In these meals there was protocol to follow to show respect to the hosts.  It was confusing to me at first but I was able to follow what others told me to do.

What traditions are you used to at weddings?  Have you experienced different traditions at weddings? It is always interesting to learn new things.  I know that I enjoyed every moment of my time with family in China. I can't wait to return again.

Airplane Ticket and My Future Mother-in-Law

My first time buying an airplane ticket to another country, to anywhere for that matter.  The closest I have been to an airplane was years ago.  I was little and I would watch the plane take off with my father on-board on his way to business trips.  The thought of being on an aircraft is both exciting and scary at the same time.  The unknown is scary but it is what you do with your fear that makes you brave.

Traveling over 7,000 miles will give me a lot of experience being on an aircraft.  I've been doing a lot of readings on what to do on long flights and I have an idea of what can keep be occupied.  I also have done readings on what to expect for international travels. 

Booking my ticket:

My friend GA told me to keep looking and to sign up to get notifications.  GA has done a lot of travel so I took his advice, although I did not sign up to be notified.  I kept checking month after month for any change.  I was able to find a great price for a round trip ticket.  Thanks to Expedia, it was easy to find a low price and it was easy to book a flight.

I always thought it was going to be more difficult to book a flight but it was a lot easier.  I even signed up for a special miles reward program with the airlines I will be using.  All I have to do now is to get my paperwork and travel documents together.

My future mother-in-law:

My future mother-in-law is so happy to hear I'm coming.  She is very excited and is counting down the days.  She is so kind to me.  She keeps telling Yu to keep asking when I am going to get there.  She is so excited that it makes me even more excited about going to see her.  She was so filled with joy when she found out I booked my flight.

Today I talked with her though video chat.  Yu helped translate because of my poor Chinese and her poor English.  She misses me so much.  I miss her too.  She is always so nice to me and always wanting to help if people are sick.  Today she told me that she misses me so much and that I will see her very soon.  She kept telling Yu to give me the family ring.  The ring is very dear to her.  It was passed down from generation to generation.  In American culture, we have similar traditions.  I think it is a great honor she wants me to have it.

My future mother-in-law is wanting to teach me how to cook Chinese food, not the Americanized way.  I am looking forward to it.  She also wants to help me learn Chinese.  "Keep learning!" she says to me always.

I feel like our relationship is much better than it was when I first started to date Yu.  At first she didn't like the idea of her son dating an American girl.  She had no idea about me and who I was as a person.  I was so nervous about meeting her the first time.  I received her approval which made me so happy.

In Chinese culture there are expectations on men to be deemed as date-able, you have to have a house, a car, money, and a good paying job.  Yu's mom thought that if Chinese have this expectation that the Americans will have a higher expectation.  Owning a house, a car, and having money to burn is very difficult for anyone  and in China it is even more difficult due to work and higher taxes.  Essentially it is cheaper in the USA than in China.

She was so shocked that my expectations  were different than the norm in China.  I expect Yu to respect me, love me, and show effort in a life with me.  She was happy to know I accept her son the way he is. 

My future mother-in-law kept telling her friends and other people in her life that her son's American girlfriend is coming to visit  and will marry her son.  I am so happy to be able to see her very soon.

The train.  When I go to see my mother-in-law I will get to go on the train to her city.

Family Time and Long Distance Relationships

Clearing up Confusion and Misunderstandings

Recently there has been confusion within my extended family about Yu.  He tries his hardest to use English well but he is just learning.  So my family misunderstood what he had said. It is common with multilingual relationships.  I do not speak Chinese, just learning too, so this makes it even more difficult to communicate sometimes.

Over the weekend we had a family gathering and I "brought" Yu along!  More like bring a phone and video calling him so people can meet him.  It got me thinking that maybe the confusion was also that they have not seen him, other than one of my younger cousins and my grandmother.  So I had my family, who were there, say hello to him.  The poor network connection made it tricky at times but it seemed like it worked well.

Yu was overwhelmed with so many people, how fast they were talking, and so many names.  He knows faces but not their names.  It is understandable and I think that my family understands too. Yu was happy to finally meet some of the family and can't wait to meet them in person.

Party Time!

Cousin Emily showing her gift from us.  Yu was happy I found some things in Chinese here in the USA.  I even practiced my Chinese characters on her birthday card.  To make it even better my mom and I were able to sing to her in Chinese.  

It was not too long after meeting everyone, Yu had to go to bed.  It was midnight, his time.  He was sleepy but he wanted to stay up to say hello to everyone. It made me proud of his commitment to greet everyone.  I told him he had to sleep because he had to go to work the next day.

After sending Yu to bed, it was time for the celebration to begin.  My younger cousin was celebrating her 15th birthday. I was able to record her party for Yu to watch later  He really wanted to be there to celebrate with others. I think he would have enjoyed playing games with everyone.  My youngest cousin was just learning how to read so he was on my team while we were playing Apples to Apples. ~We won second place!~

Long Distance Relationships

This kind of relationship is hard, not being able to be there in person is difficult.  Yu wanted so much to be with my family that I could tell that he was willing to stay up so late to video with them.  He asked what would be good for him to say and was particular to try his best to make a good impression to them.

I used to think long distance relationships could not work out.  Since dating Yu I have realized distance is nothing in a relationship.  Here is what I mean:

1. Distance does not lessen how much a person loves you.  The distance between two mature people has no correlation between the amount of love each person has for the other.  With that in mind, it leads us to the second point of trust.  Trust is involved in relationships and is needed in a long distance relationships. 

2. Trust is key to the relationship.  More trust in the other person is needed for a long distance relationship.  To any relationship, trust is needed.  No matter the distance, if you lack trust in the person, your relationship will fall apart very easily.  Long distance relationships will take a lot of trust and will test your trust in the other person.  I know that I have learned a lot about myself and my trust levels.  This leads right into the next point.

3. Understanding and commitment to understanding the other person is important in long distance relationships.  My relationship with Yu requires understanding.  We have a language barrier, time difference, and cultural differences that need a lot of understandings so there is no confusion and misinterpretations. This is part of caring for another person.  In a true relationship, it takes work to understand the other person.  It is no different in a long distance relationship.  My relationship with Yu showed me how much understanding I really do have.

4.  Caring for someone takes time and effort.  Most long distance relationships that do not work out is lacking the care and the effort it takes to keep it going.  That means that the time could have been cut short because of distrust, disloyalty, and other reasons, but deep down someone gave up.  This happens in normal relationships too.  Everything is heightened in a long distance relationship though. 

SO can long distance relationships work?

Sure they can.  It just takes more effort and time to care enough to keep the relationship and have understanding for one another and trust in each other.  Love can actually get stronger.  I have felt more love from Yu than I did in any of my other relationships that were not long distance.

Have anyone experienced a successful long distance relationship or a failed one?  How has it changed you?