Respect Your Elders

Grandma J Ehlers and Grandma R Ehlers

For a long time I have been trying to figure out what has been bothering me.  I have done a lot of reflecting and have figured out what has been bothering my soul.  Respect has been bothering me lately.  This post is a reflection on what I have been thinking about for a long time.  Grandparents and other elders are important to me and I wanted to share what was on my heart.

Elders these days in the USA seem to have been receiving less respect more and more.  This is something that makes me rather sad.  There are many elders in our population and they all should be shown respect just like each human being should.  At my work, I see a lot of elders come in for assistance and I try my best to help them out.  I am very surprised that many are deeply moved by my helpful and respectful service.  This got me to think about the philosophy we live today.

I started to analyze how people in my life treat elders I interact with.  In my own extended family I noticed there was a disconnect between honoring different elders.  In China, honoring elders is very important.  If you don't have respect for your grandparents, for example, you don't have respect at all.  Every elder was addressed in a family title when I was in China.  You called every elder man, grandpa, and elder woman, grandma.

Yu and I with Grandma Sheng and Grandpa Sheng

In the USA, we don't call people by family titles unless we are related to them somehow.  I noticed that in my family on my dad's side, some people don't even use family titles for all of us.  We don't call people brother, sister, cousin, or even elders as grandma/grandpa.  In China, we even called cousins our brothers and sisters.  Here in the USA, a cousin is called cousin but usually by there own name.  My father's step mom is even addressed by her name by some people in the family.  When my step-grandmother is not called "grandma" it effects her and others, like me.  I do see my biological grandmother being called "grandma" as her title but not the same with my step-grandmother.  Once you do not use the proper title for elders, you also start to show less care for the person and unfair treatments or favoritism is started.  On my dad's side of the family I do see many times biological relationships between the families matter most of all.  This made me think as to why.  Why must having a biological relationship connection matter more to showing respect and honor to an elder?

Biological relationships has the reputation of being closer and having longer bounds between each member, but this is a myth.  Biological relationships means a person is related by blood.  Sometimes these relationships are close but sometimes they can be broken bonds.  Non-biological relationships can be broken but some can be close too.  Some of these relationships can be very strong.  Love can come in different forms.  People can choose to love people.

I am so lucky to have non-biological relationships. Elders make life better because they help shape and mold others.  It is the elders that help teach the younger generations.  (Many elders come into my workplace and give advice to all of us younger people.)  To those whom believe biological relationships are more important and respectable, you couldn't be more off the mark.  Examples of this is adoptions, step families, marriages, and so on.  These examples of non-biological relationships help uncover this myth.  In fact, non-biological relationships started biological ones.  You cannot have biological relationships without non-biological ones. 

Families come in all shapes and sizes.  Families always change and continue to be a living thing.  There are good times and bad times.  The heart of families are the elders.  On my father's side, Grandma J Ehlers, the eldest of the family, is truely the heart of the family.  She is like the glue that holds the family together.  Sometimes she does things or says things that is not logical but that is because of the mind slowly fading because of age.  Having an understanding mind is key when relating to elders.  As I noticed, there appears to be a change in how each elder relates to the other members of a family and society.  This reflects in the minds of younger members of family and society as to importance and usefulness in the present day.  Many may see my Grandma J Ehlers as not having much use to society because her memory is slowly disappearing but she does remember some things that helps people learn about the past.  She can share about different times in history and she has a long life knowledge too. 

Many see elders as being stuck in the past but many people lack the wisdom to know that elders have far more knowledge than they realize. This knowledge has value to the present day.  History can repeat itself and it is vital to know history and the warning signs of historic disasters coming back to haunt humanity. It is the foolish to disregard any elder.  I believe that the Chinese culture is wise in holding elders in high regard.  In the USA culture, there are many views on the subject. I still cannot completely wrap my head around the idea of disrespecting elders even if they have lost their memories or are still putting up the fight.  No matter what state an elder is in, they need confidence, kindness, understanding, and respect.

In my family I have my biological grandma and my step grandma, on my dad's side, whom are the only grandparents I have that are alive.  I also now have grandparents in China too.  It makes me very happy to have these elders in my life.  I do find it very sad when I hear one of my grandmas not being honored like she should.  It breaks my heart that she has been disrespected so.  I often tell myself that I hope that when I am an elder that the treatment she receives is not how people would treat me too. I told myself that I will do what I can to honor all grandparents in my life.  I also told myself that I will honor all elders too.

I love you Grandma J Ehlers, Grandma R Ehlers, Grandma Sheng, and Grandpa Sheng!

My cousin, Grandma R Ehlers, and I took a photo outside the barn wedding for my eldest cousin.

Follow Your Dreams

Anyone who has watched a Disney film can tell you that the characters in these films are centered around following your dreams and your heart.  Making dreams come true is an important aspect of Disney's philosophy.

When I was younger I always wanted to be an actor, an author, or own my own shop or restaurant. As I grew up I started to realize that I want to make my dream come true.  I want to start my shop.  The shop I want to start is a homemade gifts shop.

Sometimes in life it takes time to figure out what you are good at, what you like to do, and what you want to do with your life. Dreams can change too.

I have decided to start my own business. When I was in China, my mother-in-law told me to see about working with local businesses in China to start a shop in the USA to sell bedding.  She even told me she would teach me to make bedding sometime.  I admired her passion to help out my husband and I.

The shop I decided to start is not a bedding shop but a homemade gifts shop.  In China homemade things are lower in price than other items that are made with big factory machines.  This fact shocked me because in the USA, we price handmade objects higher than factory made things.  When I was in Wuxi we went to a wholesale market.  There were all kinds of different products there.  There was an area with baby clothes that were handmade.  I was shocked to find out that it was less than $1 USD (USA Dollar).

Knowing that my handmade gifts business won't do so well in China, I deiced to start the shop in the USA.  My shop will sell things made by my family, friends, and me. I hope I will get to sell some of my mother-in-law's crafts.  She does very well with making things.  I know she would get more for her crafts in another country that puts a higher price tag on handmade items.   She seems excited about it.

Following your dreams can take time and sometimes people don't believe in you.  I am sure there are many people out there that have heard the same thing I have about how you will never achieve your dream.  Be positive to yourself.  If you can dream it and believe in yourself, you can do anything.  It won't happen overnight, but it will happen sometime.  There are many famous people all over the world that didn't get to their dream until later on in life.  Just don't give up.

A gift basket I made for a cousin of mine.  Some of the items in the basket I will continue to make to sell.

Gift Giving

Giving gifts has always been something I loved to do.  I got it down to a science of picking out the perfect gift to make someone happy, surprised, and feel like I know them. When it came to giving gifts to my Chinese family, it was a lot of effort to figure out what to get them.  I read so many things about what is culturally acceptable to give as a gift.  I even asked some of my Chinese friends in the USA what would be good.  There are many things that I had to keep in mind. 

I ended up picking items that are specialty items or something I know the person will use.  Specialty items have more value in China.  So I was able to bring some specialty items from my home state to China. Everyone sure liked the maple candy I brought.  Specialty candies are great to give.  I explained to my family in China that the candy was made from a tree.  It was from a local farm that allowed people to tap the trees there.  It was great to see the little cousins enjoy the candy.  We had to cut some of them to allow for more pieces for people to try. 

I also brought along a gift for my brother-in-law who loves music.  I got him a speaker for him to play his music.  I thought it would be something he would like.  To be fully honest I had no idea what he would like or think about what I got him.  I know he likes music and sports.  I think he liked it well enough.  Brother was rather shy so it was hard to tell much of anything.  That was something I noticed a lot was people being too shy to talk to me or some hairdressers were very shy about their ability to fix my hair.  It's okay little brother, I don't mind, you can talk to me when you feel like it! I also gave him some s'more hot chocolate.  My husband told me that he has never heard of s'mores before so I brought little brother something with  s'mores in it.

Note to self:  Do not bring a drum that resembles a rattle, that just makes the person feel like you are calling them a baby.  Not what I wanted to say at all little brother.  I did bring him a drum from my state that were used for Native American music.  I thought it was a great gift because it was fun to play with, but in China, this kind of drum is for babies.  In USA we don't give this to a kid because the beads on each string will some off in the baby's mouth.  Cultural Difference! 

My mother-in-law got a stained glass item that had English on it saying I am honored to have her as my mother-in-law.  She loved it.  It had to be translated to her but she loved seeing it.   She put it by her bedside. She also got a bag from me.  It was a real name-brand bag, Coach. I made sure to get her a bag that wasn't red.  One of my Chinese friends told me that never give or buy a wallet in the color red because it is the color of fire and it would be like burning your money. 

My mother-in-law loved the bag I gave her.  That day she had told my husband and me about taking us to see where they sell fake bags.  It was funny because I gave her a real bag.  Later that day we went to see the fake bags.  My mother-in-law bragged to everyone how I gave her a real, a very REAL Coach bag.  She had to show off to the whole family and friends.  She was very happy.  If you are looking for a gift to give your future mother-in-law or another female, give her something name-brand thing like a bag. 

Grandma and Grandpa Sheng liked my gifts too. I gave them tea and mugs with my state's name and symbols on them.  In some readings I found that this has a bad cultural meaning in China.  My husband told them I made the mugs so it was more enjoyable than just a regular mug.  I also gave Grandma a hat.  She loved the hat.  One night we even danced with our hats on.  We both had similar style hats.  I had originally thought a red hat would work because it was her favorite color and in the USA, there is the red hat society.  This society is for elder women and they wear red hats and purple clothing.  My husband told me that red was for young women in China and that the purple hat that I also took alone would work for her.  I let her choose and she chose the purple one.  She was so cute.  I am glad to make Grandma happy.   Don't give someone a green hat (culturally meaning that the wearer's wife is cheating on him) and also don't give an elder a red hat because it is for a younger person.

Regardless of what you give, many people are thankful that you think of them. Here are tips:

1. Research what items are allowed in the country that you are traveling and the cultural understanding of gifts.  If you are traveling by air, you should wrap the gifts when you arrived, security needs to see what you have along for safety and customs. 
1. a) The weight of the gift should also be kept in mind.  
2. Remember that gifts are a kind way to show how you care for someone, this should be see in your gifts you give.  Rule of thumb is that if you would like it, they most likely will too.  
3. Seasons can help you also deiced what gift to give. Different times of the year allows different things to be given as gifts.  Flowers are great in the summer but not available in the winter months.  
4. How you give gifts can also be different.  In China, watching someone open a gift is rude whereas in the USA it is a normal thing. 

 

One of my gifts was making cookies, Grandpa Sheng loved these cookie bars.

Celiac and Traveling

In honor of Celiac Awareness Month (May 2016) in the USA, I wanted to talk about traveling with this disease.  For those whom do not know what is Celiac Disease, let me explain a little about it.  This is an autoimmune disorder that reacts to a protein called gluten that is found in many grains which causes damage to the lining of the small intestine. This disease can create different symptoms for each person so it can be missed in a medical examination.  If this disease goes untreated it can create other medical conditions.  The only treatment for this disease is a total gluten free diet.  (It's just not a fad like many in the USA are started to believe, it is away people can stay alive and well.)

I have Celiac.   I have known I have this disease for over twenty years.  When you have Celiac Disease, traveling can seem stressful and scary at times.    I have seen the options for those who have this disease change from nothing to a wide verity of things.  Traveling has become more easy over recent years.

When I travel around the USA, I always have to bring food along with me.  This does make it easy to know your food is safe and you can enjoy your travels.  No one wants to be sick when they travel.  Everyone says to research where you are going and call ahead to see what is there.  It is only possible if you know the area and if the place has available contact information.  There might be times where travel is unknown and there might be roadblocks along the way to get to know things.

My travels to China made me a little scared to travel.  There was a language barrier, many have not heard of Celiac Disease, and there was unknown plans.  When this happens, it is best to have someone that understands.  I was happy to have my husband there with me.  He researched about this disease to learn more about my health.   If you have this disease you should also know about your condition.  Answer questions is also important.

My husband was able to talk to the people preparing our food and able to look into what we buy at the market.  We bought a lot of foods that were made fresh and naturally gluten free.  There are many foods you can eat if you are on a gluten free diet.  As long as you talk with people or have someone do that on your behalf, you should not find it difficult to eat out or find something in the local market.

In fact, I was able to eat out more and go to many places when I was in China than when I was back home in the USA.  When I was in China, I only got sick about two times.  Those times were only because of slip ups of when I was eating in a big group and my husband forgot to inform me of what items were.  Yes, I needed someone to help identify the foods for me because there were many dishes I was not familiar with or have even seen before.

If you are traveling, just remember to have a conversation with your host or your traveling mates.  If you are traveling alone, remember to read the labels (learn the words of your "allergy" so you can stay away from them in processed foods), and also remember you can go to the market to get foods that are not packaged.  Those are almost the most safe way to eat when you travel.  Also try to relax and not be stressed out when you are traveling.  Traveling is all about having fun.

You might just be surprised as to what you can do once you step away from the fear of getting sick when you travel.  Your world will open up more and become bigger.  I sure was shocked as to my ability to travel while still taking care of my Celiac Disease.  I still had some issues and still needed extra help.

If you have Celiac Disease, you sure can travel.  I was able to eat out in Shanghai just fine.